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06-Jan-2018 08:08

When he felt called to transfer to a smaller Bible college in order to train for full-time ministry, he asked my parents for permission to propose.

It was a little quick– we’d only been officially courting for five months– but he didn’t want to leave me behind without that commitment.

Everyone approved, and it seemed like we had a concrete plan.

We’d work on graduating, get married, and then start training together to become missionaries.

I should have avoided the “on-ramp” entirely by sitting outside in 100-degree heat until his parents came home … Because of all of those mixed-up ideas, I didn’t even realize for several years that what he had done was even rape, so I believed that I had also lost my physical purity as well as my emotional purity. If I were to try to leave him, ever try to marry someone else, he’d be standing right next to me at the altar, holding my hand …

holding a piece of my heart no one else would ever have.

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Courtship, or “dating with intention,” was meant to protect us from that fate.When we ended up in orchestra rehearsals for the school’s Gilbert & Sullivan production, the “group setting” seemed perfect.We had a lot of time to spend together, but with plenty of other people around.And, there was also what Joshua had said about a “girl’s responsibility,” and the “direction of purity”: there must have been things I could’ve done to stop it.

Even though I wore nothing but skirts and high-necked tops, I should have dressed more modestly.

Now, for the first time since its release, the national #1 bestseller has been expanded with new content and updated for new readers. Each January he leads a national conference for singles called New Attitude. But I still feel the ache of having given away my heart to too many girls in my past.



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